Stop Doing That – On an aeroplane

I am not a very happy passenger on aeroplanes. I’m the first to admit that I hate flying and will try to avoid it as much as possible. However, this isn’t always the easiest thing and so, reluctant as I am I’ll board the plane and deal with it for a few hours.

Normally once we’re in the air I’m fine. I mean I’m not great at being sat down for prolonged periods of time and much to the chagrin of my sister (who is my long suffering travel buddy for most of my trips) I am a perpetual fidget. I don’t think that I’m that bad to be sat near though and I’m sure my coworkers who are on the flight back from our Naples field trip with me as I write this will agree.

What I am not, unfortunately, is a particularly tolerant man. Especially not when it comes to people being irritating around me and so this brings us to yet another installment of the blood pressure raising, teeth gnashing, fury inducing Stop Doing That series!

Trust me. This will be a good one.


STOP: Sitting outside of your allocated seats.

This one goes the same way as my unpublished SDT at the cinema post.  Please just sit where you are told. If you got a middle seat then just deal with it and don’t sit in my aisle seat. I will make you move. If you can’t follow simple instructions or a seating plan then I really am worried that you’re a part of the gene pool. The old excuse of “Oh there wasn’t anyone sat here so I thought it was free” just won’t fly either (pun heavily intended). Of course there was no sitting there. WE WERE JUST BOARDING THE PLANE! Long rant short – sit in your place and stop dicking about. Please.

STOP: Reclining. Yes, you.

Currently the man sat in front of me is the biggest cockwomble of them all. You know what’s a surefire way to get on my bad side? Recline your fucking seat in economy class you massive walking arse hole.  I LOVE having my knees crushed into my spleen just because you want to get comfortable and maybe have a little nap. We are all in economy for a reason; we didn’t want to pay extra for the legroom in business class. If you want to be comfortable and have a reclining seat then fuck off to first class you giant tit. We’re all uncomfortable and your making it worse. And if you’re the man sat in front of me on the BA flight from Naples then this goes double for you. Dick.

STOP: Standing up as soon as we land.

Where do you think you’re going? We are all literally stuck here until the little stairs are brought up to the plane. So sit your arse back down and wait patiently like everyone else.

STOP: Complaining to the cabin crew.

We are 35000 feet in the air.  Literally no one up here gives a single fuck if you only drink organic soy milk lattes. Deal with the slightly odd tasting instant coffee like the rest of us. Live a little. Also, do you know who cares even less than me that you can’t get your super special drink? The cabin crew, that’s right! They do this all day snd I guarantee you they want to tell you early where to stick your soy milk even if they won’t ever say it.

STOP: Having loud personal conversations.

We are all trapped in this tin can for a few hours. The time will pass at the same time whatever we do but it will sure as shit feel faster If we all just put our headphones on, listened to our favourite tunes, maybe read some of our book and just left each other alone.
I’m not exactly what you’d call a “people person” at the best of times but that goes quadruple for whilst I’m on a plane. I don’t want or need to know how many kids you have, what position little Jimmy plays on the school rugby team or what little Annie has been up to in pre school this half term. Please just ignore me and let’s sit in mutual silence. Please. I beg of you.

Well that’s about it for this – it’s been a while and I wouldn’t want to over exert myself!

Until next time ranters!