Pub, club or trendy urban bar, it doesn’t matter where you go for your tipple, the end result will always be the same. I find it staggering that we Brits, a nation that love lines and queues and the etiquette associated with them will let all of our logic and good sense fly out of the windows in two scenarios. Bus stops, but we really don’t have time to get into that area right now, and bars.
Bars just seem to be filled to the rafters with people swanning about, doing their best to annoy me. I’m almost certain that they know that they’re doing it and its some kind of cosmic test of my character which I have to pass in order to live a full and happy life (Think Galadriel refusing to take the One Ring in The Fellowship of the Ring) but on the off chance that this isn’t the case, I thought I would take it upon myself to set some ground rules…
We’ve all been there, waiting at the bar in whichever establishment you choose to frequent, when you get the nagging feeling that something’s not right. Someone is staring at you. I’m not talking just maintaining a look at the back of my head because I’m in front of you staring, I mean full on laser bean vision staring, targeted directly at me. I don’t fully understand why this happens, but it seems to be the case with most places that I go. Guys, it’s especially creepy if your doing it to a girl because yo fancy her. Lets face it, what you think is your best Brad Pitt smouldering sexy look actually resembles something more akin to a plumber standing in a room with the worst blocked toilet ever. Not attractive at all…
Whoever thought that the best way to remedy the brief few minute wait to be served was to plow forwards like a rugby player eight steps away from the line is, quite frankly, one of the biggest morons in the world. Lets just think this through for a second. We are at a bar, in a pub, trying to buy a drink, which comes in an open topped vessel and is very wet. Brilliant. Lets add some massive instability into the scenario and let the good times roll! I paid almost triple what that coke is worth for the privilege of having it in a pint glass with a lemon wedge, I would like it to go in my mouth, not down my shirt.
STOP: Queue jumping
This ones for all of you ladies out there. There may not be a defined queue at a bar. Sadly, the lack of queuing protocol exhibited at all establishments with a bar is one of my biggest bugbears in life – guess I’ll have to wait until I become the Supreme Overlord of the World to fix that but that’s another story for another time. Having no defined queue makes it all too easy for people to exploit the natural order of service and jump the “queue” to be served first. The sad thing is it happens a lot more with women, because yo think you can get away with it.
Up you swagger with your make up and your womanly charms and straight to Barman you go. Sadly the flirty wink and demeanour will get his attention and he will, unfortunately, serve you before me even though I’ve been waiting here for a good 15 minutes. This is not okay, there’s a mutually agreed code at the bar that you’ve now come in and broken. Personally, I’m all for gender equality so if I ever happen to be in this situation I will tap you on the shoulder and tell you to wait your turn. It’s only fair…
This one is just a matter of good manners. Stop listening in to other people’s conversations when you’re stood nearby them. If you really want to carrying, at least stop doing it so obviously! And actually…
STOP: Having personal conversations
If you’re having a conversation that you don’t want to run the risk of being overheard then wait until you’ve got your drinks and are back at your table, don’t spew it out in a crowd of strangers. Come on guys, a little bit of common sense is all I’m asking for.
Doubtless, the moment that I hit publish, I’ll think of a million more things to add but hey ho. Is there anything that you can think of that annoys you about waiting at bars? Leave a comment!