The Internet. A vast network of wires and tubes that can connect you to the other side of the world in the blink of an eye. The wealth of information stored online is like having thousands of different libraries at your disposal ready for you to track down exactly what it is you need to know, be it a reflective analysis of two different poems by Lord Byron or just finding out who it is that played that character in that film you just watched. The Internet is wonderful.
Unfortunately, whilst this beautiful resource has so many benefits (i mean who doesn’t love Grumpy Cat?) it also comes with a downside. Being hyper connected to the rest of the world means that you are unfortunately hyper connected to a steady stream of idiots, not just limited to those you know in your own life, but from ALL OVER THE WORLD.
Here’s a list of things that you need to stop doing to prevent yourself from becoming one of these
keyboard bashing, flame war starting, pig headed examples of ignorance unfortunate individuals.
STOP: Over sharing your Instagram
There once was a time where I would have absolutely lambasted someone for having an Instagram account. However, times have changed and I now find myself in possession of one. I follow a few people and like to see their photos come up, to see what they are doing and what they deem to be a good photo. Quite a few of the people that I follow Instagram A LOT. I mean there are more pictures uploaded by some of these guys than there are tramps on the underground. That’s absolutely fine, I like the pictures coming up. On Instagram. The problem is that once it goes outside of Instagram that shit is all over my Facebook, all over my Twitter feed and I’m pretty sure it would be covering my Tumblr in a freshly sepia’d layer of slime if I had a Tumblr. I’m not saying never share your Instagram pictures with anyone on other social networks, I’m just saying only share the ones that are relevant to a tweet you would write anyway. Don’t just vomit all of your photos over the nearest social network otherwise I’m pretty sure you’ll slap a Kelvin filter over that and post it up as well.
Ah Vaguebooking, the preserve of insecure assholes and that girl who is going crazy because she isn’t the centre of attention for five minutes. UrbanDictionary has defined it as “an intentionally vague Facebook status update that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or possibly a cry for help.” Either way, when I see you post “OMG why did he have to do that!?” or “Guess I know where I stand now…” it’s a sure fire way for me to get out my unfriending stick and smack you around your virtual face with it.
STOP: Inviting me to your awful events
Chances are I don’t like your band, comedy show, club night, puppet theatre, cat on a unicycle doing circus tricks whilst you play accordion in accompaniment. We both know that it’s true. So why don’t we work together to solve it? You stop inviting me and I’ll stop burning with rage and wanting to smash your face into your keyboard every time I see that you’ve invited me to yet another event that I can only assume isn’t titled accurately as “A night of extreme averageness on my part and boredom on yours because I still harbour pipe dreams that i can make my hobby into a career.”
STOP: Political Soapboxing
Are you a paid member of [enter political party here]’s publicity team? No? Then shut the hell up with every post being about your political views. If I wanted to hear them then I would ask you myself and start up a charming discussion with you on the subject. Since I’m not doing that, you can stop rubbing your ideas, policies and beliefs forcibly into our faces. This goes for you too, overly religious types. Your beliefs are like genitals. I’m happy for you that you have them but I don’t want them shoved into my face. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule…
STOP: OMG LOL LMFAO SMH
I have no idea what half of the Internet language doing the rounds nowadays is, but its safe to say that I’m sure you didn’t “Laugh out Loud” at my thinly veiled pun. Let’s all take a leaf from Tim Minchin’s book and use MAS (Mildly Amused Smirk) as a more realistic representation of what we are actually doing at that moment.
STOP: YouTube baiting
It’s a YouTube video, not a forum of political, religious, existential, philosophical etc etc expression. It’s a video of a cat balancing kumquats. Stop starting arguments about things that don’t need to be started here. The average comments section of a YouTube video is so full to the brim of hatred that even I can’t stand to read them – and that’s saying something! Be smart, don’t feed the trolls.
If you want the link to the video of cats balancing kumquats then you’re in luck!