Dealing With Your Drunk: A Guide

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September is fast approaching and many new recruits will be heading off to University after the summer, ready to start the next stage of their academic lives. However, the introduction of a group of overage people with access to cheap alcohol is inevitably going to lead to some cases of mass drunkenness, in amongst the studying of course. Seeing as this coming September will see me begin my third year as a professional drinker student, I thought that I’d give you a quick guide of the types of drunks that you are likely to encounter and how to deal with them. (NB – for information on how to deal wit the aftermath Click this

    The Emotional

Easy to spot by the fact that they mope around the party until the river of alcohol that they’ve knocked back causes the floodgates to open and the tears burst out. Emotional drunks tend to have kept every little insecurity and problem bottled up inside them until they get themselves into a state of lowered inhibitions, then there’s no stopping them…

How to deal with them:
Stop them drinking, get them up onto their feet and if possible take them for a little walk and let them spill everything out to you. Even if they don’t remember it in the morning, it will make them feel a lot better in that instant. You can then get them safely back to their bed where they can sleep the problems off. Under no circumstance should you bring this up in the morning unless they imitate it first. Sharing is caring, but some things are best left with an air of ambiguity.

    The Tired

Sleepy doesn’t even begin to cover these guys. They can be the most up for a night out and the life of the party right up until that first drop of alcohol touches their lips and then BAM they’re out like a light, snoring away with a sound akin to an overworked sawmill. Nothing could wake them up now!

How to deal with them:
If they’ve fallen asleep after you’ve gone out, then someone should probably take them home before the bouncer ditches them outside and they end up falling asleep in the bushes or shop doorways on the way home.
If they fall asleep at pre-drinks or at a party though, it’s an entirely different story. They have become free game, so get your sharpies at the ready, your blank canvas has just presented itself. Just make sure that you deny all knowledge of this happening to them when they wake up the next morning with a giant phallus drawn on the side of their face…

    The Angry

I don’t know what this guys problem is but he can fly off the handle quicker than the Hulk with ‘road rage. These guys are generally, but not always the standard “bro” of the party that has been making a spectacle of himself at all. It takes nothing to set them off and they’ll get physical with anyone and everyone, be it the weedy kid with the glasses, their best friend or the bouncer that looks like Shrek after being put through a meat grinder.

How to deal with them:
Try to distract them from being angry by engaging them in non-threatening conversation. If you’re lucky enough to have the gift of the gab then they’ll quickly become putty in your hands. If your skills of verbal manipulation aren’t up to scratch then try to get them away from bouncers, if they’re your friend or near to bouncers if they aren’t. Above all else, if King Kong starts swinging those massive mat bags he calls arms around then don’t get hit! If you are forced to engage then kick him squarely in the ‘nads. It isn’t fair, it isn’t nice but damn is it hilarious effective.

    The Slutty

This one will flirt with absolutely anything that has legs and this can get them into trouble if they end up trying it on with someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend. The best Slutty drunks also have a tendency to remove items of clothing, just to really class up their act…

How to deal with them:
Keep an eye on them and if you notice someone glaring at them with murder eyes then try to move them away and break up whatever little fun party they may be having. If they take their clothes off, don’t let them and above all else, don’t leave them alone with the creepy guy in the corner. That’s the beginning of a murder mystery novel there…

    The Lunatic

Crazy doesn’t cover it with these guys, they’ll do anything for a laugh, take any bet and will come up with insane ideas that others in your group will happily go along with in their befuddled state. Basically, think of the Joker in The Dark Knight, that’s this guy. The psychotic, whooping laugh is optional with these guys but like super villains, all the best have one.

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How to deal with them:
Damage limitation is the name of the game. You have to stop them in their craziness before they hurt the self or someone else. You’re the Batman of this scenario, just without a suit or gadgets. I’d suggest that throwing them around an interrogation room whilst mercilessly beating them and screaming at them is probably not the best idea though… 😉

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