A couple of days ago I suffered a grievous misfortune. Skip ahead to the end if you want to read about that you sadistic beggars! Needless to say it was one of the most painful everyday moments of my life and so today I thought that I would talk to you about pain.
There are many different kinds of pain, from acute pains to chronic pains, dull aches to sharp stabs. These different pains can stem from a variety of sources and can manifest from any number of different reasons. This post isn’t going to be an in-depth analysis into the genesis of pain – that’s far too serious for me! I’m going to rank the worst types of most irritating everyday pain and just generally moan about why they’re so bad.
5. Knocking your funny bone
This just isn’t funny. I have no idea who thought that it would be utterly hilarious to call this the “humerus” (I know it’s spelt differently but still, connotation are key…) because when you bang it on something it is akin to being stabbed right in the elbow with a million tiny pitchforks. In my view this is a punishment for not taking better care of your elbows. It’s like God/Fate/Life (whatever you believe, I don’t care which) is saying “Hey, you’re playing a little fast and loose with the old elbows there, maybe watch out a bit” and when you don’t watch out, he punishes you with an arm numbing achy tingling, just because you were so sure that you wouldn’t hurt the big bit of hard bone on the arm. Vindictive buggers.
4.Stubbing your toe
What is it with toes and being insanely prone to colliding with things? I don’t understand how I can know where everything is in my house and yet still when i come downstairs to go the toilet at night or when I’m carrying something and I can’t really see… BAM! Toe meets solid object in a never-ending circus of pain. Feet are ridiculously sensitive to pain if you hadn’t noticed.
3.Touching your eye with Chili
Burning, sizzling , and eventually watering. These are the stages that you’ll go through if you’ve ever touched your eyes after cutting chillies! A tiny part of you will think “this isn’t so bad.” and the rest of your smug feeling at having beaten the chilli juice will vanish into a blazing inferno of eye watering pain. A|void at all costs and make sure to wash your hands before touching your face. (As a side note, boys should [b]always[/b] do the same before going to the loo!)
2.Standing on a plug/Lego/etc
Words cannot describe the soul tearing pain that goes through your body when this happens to you. You WILL be rendered speechless for a few seconds at least, before eventually you realise what has happened and the swearing/howling/screaming (delete as applicable) WILL begin. Avoid at all costs.
1. Using “value brand” toilet paper
There is no excuse for this behaviour. Supermarket value brands of toilet paper are one of the worst things that exist in the world and should, quite frankly, be eradicated. To use a value brand of toilet paper is akin to
the burning fury of a million exploding suns receiving a prostate exam from Wolverine (hence the title). Now if you’re lucky and you’ve never had to use value brand toilet paper, and you are so very lucky if you havent, then just think of the feeling of using a supremely coarse-grained sandpaper instead of the plush softness that should occur. The pain is unbearable and I never can quite understand exactly how they can make toilet paper seem so rough. Needless to say, if you openly buy value brand toilet paper for any reason other than hitting rock bottom and having to scrape together the change found in communal washing machines to be able to afford anything then you are, in all frankness, on the road to becoming a serial killer.
Getting back to my misfortune…
I was having a pretty good day and was in such a good mood as I nipped to the loo that I didn’t bring any toilet roll down with me, assuming that there was some in there. Too late did I realise that it was the value brand and I had resigned myself to my fate. The sheer and unadulterated horror commenced and I spent the next few hours trying to avoid sitting down as my posterior felt like it had been removed with the rough side of wood file.